December 31st, 2022

Today I went swimming and l thought of you. Are you still swimming these days? I am still wearing the same wetsuit that I used to wear whenever I went swimming with you all those years ago, though I wear a different sport hijab lately.

The water still goes in to my nostrils everytime I try to catch a breath; my habit that made you buying a pair of nose plugs for me. You always told me to catch the breath before the face touch the water, so the water won't be inhaled. But I still do that silly habit until now.

I don't bring a tumbler full of hot tea to swimming pool anymore. I think I am too lazy to do that, or because I just went swimming alone and had no one to share the hot tea anymore.

Today I ate macaroni schotel after swimming, not a bowl of hot and delicious yamie. Are you still eating yamie after swimming?

*

January 8th, 2023

These days I have been dreaming about you. Some dreams were good and some were bad. I hugged you tight in those dreams, and those felt so real. Like the last time.

Today I woke up crying real tears. We had a terrible fight (in a dream of course) and I cried so hard. I miss you so much lately. I know this sounds ridiculous but I do really miss you.

*

March 9th, 2023

Today I realized I’m not ready to let you go. Maybe one day I will, but certainly not today.

You seem okay without me, and maybe one day I will, too.

I still miss you, you know? How are you lately?

*

August 29th, 2023

I’ll just pretend you’d read this, well I hope you do.

You know how people said scents could be related to memories? How when you smell something your brain immediately connects it with something, or someone.

Few days ago I went to a shop and the helper passed by. I smelled your perfume. You know it’s sad because I used to smell it when you were here beside me.

I bet now you smell differently with what I remember. That’s okay because now I’ve changed my perfumes too.

But still, when certain scents passed by, I’d immediately think of you.

Do you still remember how I used to smell like?

*

This post will be edited (added) whenever l get some stories to tell you.

I had so much visions for 2021; graduated, getting married, and getting my first job. Then I had to swallow a super-bitter pill when things turned out the way I never imagined they would.

On early 2021, a shocking truth, one thing I never imagined would come true in my life, the last last thing on earth I wished to happen, happened. I lost my mother. In a blink of an eye. Out of the blue. To this day I’m still trying to digest that fact.

My life started crashing down from there.

I never thought I would experience such thing, feel such feelings. Now I understand when people say they feel numb, empty, heart-broken. You lose something you can never replace. To say it’s been hard would be an understatement. I will forever try to explain, but it will take you forever to understand.

Like a blessing in disguise, I got the chance to distract myself from my own grieving. I was preparing my national exam. I studied 15 hours a day, every day, for almost 2 months. Though at night nobody could stop me from making my pillowcase wet.

After graduating, I didn’t have anything to distract me anymore. Days feel longer in a house full of grieving people. House didn’t feel like home anymore without the presence of its main core; a mother. I lost interest in everything, especially in connecting to people. I broke up. I ignored my friends. I hated myself. To those whom I have hurt, I am truly sorry…

Truth is, never in my life I imagined my life would be like this. 2021 was the most roller-coaster thing I have experienced. I know I will be grieving my whole life. I know my life and dreams will never be the same anymore. But may 2022 and the following years will be okay. Dreams could always be rewritten. Like my most favorite line in ‘Snowdrop’; “You have to live. No matter how hard it would be, you have to live.”

Wishing everyone a great year ahead!

All my love,

Atha.