I had so much visions for 2021; graduated, getting married, and getting my first job. Then I had to swallow a super-bitter pill when things turned out the way I never imagined they would.

On early 2021, a shocking truth, one thing I never imagined would come true in my life, the last last thing on earth I wished to happen, happened. I lost my mother. In a blink of an eye. Out of the blue. To this day I’m still trying to digest that fact.

My life started crashing down from there.

I never thought I would experience such thing, feel such feelings. Now I understand when people say they feel numb, empty, heart-broken. You lose something you can never replace. To say it’s been hard would be an understatement. I will forever try to explain, but it will take you forever to understand.

Like a blessing in disguise, I got the chance to distract myself from my own grieving. I was preparing my national exam. I studied 15 hours a day, every day, for almost 2 months. Though at night nobody could stop me from making my pillowcase wet.

After graduating, I didn’t have anything to distract me anymore. Days feel longer in a house full of grieving people. House didn’t feel like home anymore without the presence of its main core; a mother. I lost interest in everything, especially in connecting to people. I broke up. I ignored my friends. I hated myself. To those whom I have hurt, I am truly sorry…

Truth is, never in my life I imagined my life would be like this. 2021 was the most roller-coaster thing I have experienced. I know I will be grieving my whole life. I know my life and dreams will never be the same anymore. But may 2022 and the following years will be okay. Dreams could always be rewritten. Like my most favorite line in ‘Snowdrop’; “You have to live. No matter how hard it would be, you have to live.”

Wishing everyone a great year ahead!

All my love,

Atha.