I have never wanted to blame other people for everything that went wrong. But instead, I’d scold myself. I pushed myself to the edge of a cliff and threatened her with the point of a sharp blade. I stabbed her in the heart, threw her into the high seas so she’d be drowned by high tides and waves. All the punishments I’ve given to her was never felt enough. Why weren’t you stronger? Why weren’t you smarter? Harsh and difficult questions to every unfortunate incident were asked. I’ve never got satisfying answers.

I frequently look at the mirror in disgust. I hate what I’m seeing there. A pathetic-looking girl with sad eyes and frown smile. Blemishes here and there, together with confusing devastated aura. There is a part of myself that loathe her, and the other part feel pity for her. Not a lot of positive emotions I may say.

I would run and hide when there is one who wills to lend a hand. I repeatedly am in doubt whether I am worthy of love. It is easier for me to push people away than to believe they will understand if I share. I avoid crowds because I feel awkward and unwanted all the time. I unintentionally mistreated people over and over just because I think too much. To sum it all up, I despise myself.

But then I often forget my patients’ smiles. A young girl with bright eyes told me she wants to be a dentist, just like me. A warm and friendly old man was always happy to see me because I reminded him of his granddaughter who lives far away. A cheerful kind-hearted woman looked at me with teary eyes and thanked me numerous times because I made her pain went away. Small things that I should’ve been more grateful for.

When I count my blessings, I seldom count myself. Just this afternoon a colleague said she liked my eyebrows, and the other one wished she has a nose like mine. A junior told me I was kind-hearted and thoughtful. My relatives thought I’m smart and pretty. I barely remember that I’m enough.

Today I want to forgive her. I need to forgive her, so I’d be free.

I really want to hug her, apologizing for being too hard on her, for not realizing that a lot of things were out of her control. I want to pat her in the back, thanking her for being indestructible, for surviving. I wish to say to her that not everything was her fault. I will tell her that it is common for one to see the worst in oneself, but it’s not alright for one to fail to acknowledge one’s strengths.

I beg her for forgiveness, for fully forget that she’s been so strong all this time. Too strong that she is able to protect and take care of myself. I want her to remember that she’s accomplished several things she used to dream about. As a matter of fact, I want to remind her that a lot of storms and hurricanes have passed, and she’s still here. I need her to feel proud of that.

I want her to love herself.

She’s been doing great. 

 Love-birds tend to make corny promises when they get married. One of which is to stay together until death do them part. But what happened after death? Does love suddenly dissapear and it’s okay for one spouse to look for another and repeat to promise the same thing?

The concept of monogamy somehow becomes blurry; yes, they’re only married to one person at a time, but no, they’re not in love with one person only.

I’ve never married and don’t understand how feelings grown between spouses. The one person who you’d spend most of your time with, the one whom you share your deepest secrects and worst fears to. I’m really sure it is one of the strongest connections not-blood-related humans could ever make.

I may sound stiff, but what I imagine in a marriage is that my spouse will be the love of my life. I could never love anyone the same. Or worse, I will never love again.

But it turns out that humans are dinamic. People change, feelings change.

There are people who get remarried after death, or after a divorce. There are ones who love the next person more than their exes. But there are also people who doesn’t want to get remarried. There are ones who are too afraid to fall in love again.

But there’s one thing in common; people just want to be okay, everyone wants to feel safe and secured. Oh, to love and to be loved.

So I guess the idea of “till death do us part” doesn’t seem too corny. People tends to make ridiculous promises when they’re happy. I mean, there’s nothing wrong in wanting more, wanting for the best.

I secretly wish there is better alternative term than “till death do us part”.

All my love,

Atha