December 31st, 2022
Today I went swimming and l thought of you. Are you still swimming these days? I am still wearing the same wetsuit that I used to wear whenever I went swimming with you all those years ago, though I wear a different sport hijab lately.
The water still goes in to my nostrils everytime I try to catch a breath; my habit that made you buying a pair of nose plugs for me. You always told me to catch the breath before the face touch the water, so the water won't be inhaled. But I still do that silly habit until now.
I don't bring a tumbler full of hot tea to swimming pool anymore. I think I am too lazy to do that, or because I just went swimming alone and had no one to share the hot tea anymore.
Today I ate macaroni schotel after swimming, not a bowl of hot and delicious yamie. Are you still eating yamie after swimming?
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January 8th, 2023
These days I have been dreaming about you. Some dreams were good and some were bad. I hugged you tight in those dreams, and those felt so real. Like the last time.
Today I woke up crying real tears. We had a terrible fight (in a dream of course) and I cried so hard. I miss you so much lately. I know this sounds ridiculous but I do really miss you.
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March 9th, 2023
Today I realized I’m not ready to let you go. Maybe one day I will, but certainly not today.
You seem okay without me, and maybe one day I will, too.
I still miss you, you know? How are you lately?
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August 29th, 2023
I’ll just pretend you’d read this, well I hope you do.
You know how people said scents could be related to memories? How when you smell something your brain immediately connects it with something, or someone.
Few days ago I went to a shop and the helper passed by. I smelled your perfume. You know it’s sad because I used to smell it when you were here beside me.
I bet now you smell differently with what I remember. That’s okay because now I’ve changed my perfumes too.
But still, when certain scents passed by, I’d immediately think of you.
Do you still remember how I used to smell like?
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July 24th, 2025
LOL this definitely will be the last thing I'd ever write for you.
I stumbled upon this old blog and found out that this post has not had a closure. As someone who respects a closure (unlike you), I want to give this post a full stop it deserves.
All these years I'd always been thinking that everything was on me to blame. Of course I'm not flawless and I made mistakes, too, but the way you wrapped it, was evil.
I know now that it was not my fault to act humane.
It was not my fault to be distant and a little bit different -I had warned you.
It was not my fault that you had a change of heart, that you couldn't step up and be the wings I needed. And certainly it was not my fault that you couldn't provide the love I deserved -one which stayed during the hurricanes. Because life is not always sunny and rainbows, there are storms and darkness.
Maybe you didn't understand back then, and it was not my fault.
Maybe today you realize the wrongs, maybe you still don't. Maybe one day you'll understand how it feels, or maybe you won't.
I now know that even though you still owe that little girl an apology, she now has me. I've become this new person who has better understanding on life, love, loss. I've become tough. I've outgrown you. And when you couldn't keep up with that back then, I know it was not my fault.
I wish you all the best, tho.
P.S. Know that I never meant to cause you harm :)
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This post will not be further edited. This is the final form.
