I have never wanted to blame other people for everything that went wrong. But instead, I’d scold myself. I pushed myself to the edge of a cliff and threatened her with the point of a sharp blade. I stabbed her in the heart, threw her into the high seas so she’d be drowned by high tides and waves. All the punishments I’ve given to her was never felt enough. Why weren’t you stronger? Why weren’t you smarter? Harsh and difficult questions to every unfortunate incident were asked. I’ve never got satisfying answers.

I frequently look at the mirror in disgust. I hate what I’m seeing there. A pathetic-looking girl with sad eyes and frown smile. Blemishes here and there, together with confusing devastated aura. There is a part of myself that loathe her, and the other part feel pity for her. Not a lot of positive emotions I may say.

I would run and hide when there is one who wills to lend a hand. I repeatedly am in doubt whether I am worthy of love. It is easier for me to push people away than to believe they will understand if I share. I avoid crowds because I feel awkward and unwanted all the time. I unintentionally mistreated people over and over just because I think too much. To sum it all up, I despise myself.

But then I often forget my patients’ smiles. A young girl with bright eyes told me she wants to be a dentist, just like me. A warm and friendly old man was always happy to see me because I reminded him of his granddaughter who lives far away. A cheerful kind-hearted woman looked at me with teary eyes and thanked me numerous times because I made her pain went away. Small things that I should’ve been more grateful for.

When I count my blessings, I seldom count myself. Just this afternoon a colleague said she liked my eyebrows, and the other one wished she has a nose like mine. A junior told me I was kind-hearted and thoughtful. My relatives thought I’m smart and pretty. I barely remember that I’m enough.

Today I want to forgive her. I need to forgive her, so I’d be free.

I really want to hug her, apologizing for being too hard on her, for not realizing that a lot of things were out of her control. I want to pat her in the back, thanking her for being indestructible, for surviving. I wish to say to her that not everything was her fault. I will tell her that it is common for one to see the worst in oneself, but it’s not alright for one to fail to acknowledge one’s strengths.

I beg her for forgiveness, for fully forget that she’s been so strong all this time. Too strong that she is able to protect and take care of myself. I want her to remember that she’s accomplished several things she used to dream about. As a matter of fact, I want to remind her that a lot of storms and hurricanes have passed, and she’s still here. I need her to feel proud of that.

I want her to love herself.

She’s been doing great. 

 Love-birds tend to make corny promises when they get married. One of which is to stay together until death do them part. But what happened after death? Does love suddenly dissapear and it’s okay for one spouse to look for another and repeat to promise the same thing?

The concept of monogamy somehow becomes blurry; yes, they’re only married to one person at a time, but no, they’re not in love with one person only.

I’ve never married and don’t understand how feelings grown between spouses. The one person who you’d spend most of your time with, the one whom you share your deepest secrects and worst fears to. I’m really sure it is one of the strongest connections not-blood-related humans could ever make.

I may sound stiff, but what I imagine in a marriage is that my spouse will be the love of my life. I could never love anyone the same. Or worse, I will never love again.

But it turns out that humans are dinamic. People change, feelings change.

There are people who get remarried after death, or after a divorce. There are ones who love the next person more than their exes. But there are also people who doesn’t want to get remarried. There are ones who are too afraid to fall in love again.

But there’s one thing in common; people just want to be okay, everyone wants to feel safe and secured. Oh, to love and to be loved.

So I guess the idea of “till death do us part” doesn’t seem too corny. People tends to make ridiculous promises when they’re happy. I mean, there’s nothing wrong in wanting more, wanting for the best.

I secretly wish there is better alternative term than “till death do us part”.

All my love,

Atha

 December 31st, 2022

Today I went swimming and l thought of you. Are you still swimming these days? I am still wearing the same wetsuit that I used to wear whenever I went swimming with you all those years ago, though I wear a different sport hijab lately.

The water still goes in to my nostrils everytime I try to catch a breath; my habit that made you buying a pair of nose plugs for me. You always told me to catch the breath before the face touch the water, so the water won't be inhaled. But I still do that silly habit until now.

I don't bring a tumbler full of hot tea to swimming pool anymore. I think I am too lazy to do that, or because I just went swimming alone and had no one to share the hot tea anymore.

Today I ate macaroni schotel after swimming, not a bowl of hot and delicious yamie. Are you still eating yamie after swimming?

*

January 8th, 2023

These days I have been dreaming about you. Some dreams were good and some were bad. I hugged you tight in those dreams, and those felt so real. Like the last time.

Today I woke up crying real tears. We had a terrible fight (in a dream of course) and I cried so hard. I miss you so much lately. I know this sounds ridiculous but I do really miss you.

*

March 9th, 2023

Today I realized I’m not ready to let you go. Maybe one day I will, but certainly not today.

You seem okay without me, and maybe one day I will, too.

I still miss you, you know? How are you lately?

*

August 29th, 2023

I’ll just pretend you’d read this, well I hope you do.

You know how people said scents could be related to memories? How when you smell something your brain immediately connects it with something, or someone.

Few days ago I went to a shop and the helper passed by. I smelled your perfume. You know it’s sad because I used to smell it when you were here beside me.

I bet now you smell differently with what I remember. That’s okay because now I’ve changed my perfumes too.

But still, when certain scents passed by, I’d immediately think of you.

Do you still remember how I used to smell like?

*

This post will be edited (added) whenever l get some stories to tell you.

I had so much visions for 2021; graduated, getting married, and getting my first job. Then I had to swallow a super-bitter pill when things turned out the way I never imagined they would.

On early 2021, a shocking truth, one thing I never imagined would come true in my life, the last last thing on earth I wished to happen, happened. I lost my mother. In a blink of an eye. Out of the blue. To this day I’m still trying to digest that fact.

My life started crashing down from there.

I never thought I would experience such thing, feel such feelings. Now I understand when people say they feel numb, empty, heart-broken. You lose something you can never replace. To say it’s been hard would be an understatement. I will forever try to explain, but it will take you forever to understand.

Like a blessing in disguise, I got the chance to distract myself from my own grieving. I was preparing my national exam. I studied 15 hours a day, every day, for almost 2 months. Though at night nobody could stop me from making my pillowcase wet.

After graduating, I didn’t have anything to distract me anymore. Days feel longer in a house full of grieving people. House didn’t feel like home anymore without the presence of its main core; a mother. I lost interest in everything, especially in connecting to people. I broke up. I ignored my friends. I hated myself. To those whom I have hurt, I am truly sorry…

Truth is, never in my life I imagined my life would be like this. 2021 was the most roller-coaster thing I have experienced. I know I will be grieving my whole life. I know my life and dreams will never be the same anymore. But may 2022 and the following years will be okay. Dreams could always be rewritten. Like my most favorite line in ‘Snowdrop’; “You have to live. No matter how hard it would be, you have to live.”

Wishing everyone a great year ahead!

All my love,

Atha.